A Call For Cunnilingus

Work as a medic for any length of time in a particular place and undoubtly there’s a good chance you’ll see some of the same people almost every night. The majority are drunk and call for God knows what. There’s one particular lady that stands out in my mind. She lived on 141 street and Seventh Ave and every night the call would go like this:

“Manhattan to 18 Young”

“18 Young” I’d reply

“Take it over to 141 and 7th for the difficulty breather”

Me and my partner would look at each other shaking our heads in disgust because we knew just who it was. We walk up to the door, pause a moment and knock

“EMS”, my partner yells through the door

The familiar answer comes from the other side

“EMS! EAT MY PUSSY! EAT MY PUSSY”. The door swings open and there she is. I will call her Delores. She’s an African American woman, tall and heavy set, dressed in a stained house dress and reeking of alcohol.

“Hi Delores, what’s the problem tonight” I ask at least mildly irritated

“I can’t breath. Take me to the hospital”

My partner pipes in “Delores we took you last night, what happened?”

“I don’t give a fuck what happened last night, take me to the hospital” she demands

I look at my partner “let’s just get her the fuck out of here and go on our way”

“Come on Delores”I say “put your coat on and lets go”

“Wait a fucking minute” she yells at me

She goes in the back, grabs a ratty old coat, walks out the door without even taking a moment to look it. In the back of the ambulance she goes and off we go to the hospital for the umpteenth time.

Now you see this wasn’t the first nor the last time we would see Delores. She would call every night and since she was in our area we would get her most of the time. After a while she really started to get annoying. So I would come up with ways to try to mess with her to get us to stop calling. One night we showed up to her apartment and when she turned a moment I picked up her phone and called “970-FUCK” one of those services where it would cost $5.95 per minute to talk sex with someone. I left the phone off the hook and we left. Another time we showed up and I went and pulled out all the plugs on her appliances. Still no good, she called again the next night.

One night I was in a really bad mood. It was an extremely warm summer night, the dispatcher was holding a page of legit jobs including confirmed shootings, jumpers, stabbings and who do we get? Delores again! Enough was enough. We go up to her door, knock, her the familiar refrain of “EAT MY PUSSY! EAT MY PUSSY?”. I was really pissed off and was going to put a stop to this lady. Now this was the time before cell phones, even before cordless phones. All home phones had a wire that went through each room to each phone. Like I said I had enough and said “fuck it” and went around the house and cut her all her phone lines. Every damned single one! Done, we got her readied up and transported her to the hospital.

A wondrous thing happened! Delores didn’t call the next night, nor the night after that and the night after that. In fact she didn’t call in so long I actually forgot about her. Then one night, months later I’m working the late shift and get a call:

“Manhattan to 18 Young”

“18 Young” I answer

“Take it over to 141 street and 7th Ave for the diff breather”

“10-4 central. Send it over”

We proceed over to the address and are about to walk through the door when the dispatcher breaks through the silence:

“Manhattan to 18 Young with the priority!”

“18 Young. Go”

“18 Young wait for police backup. The patient says she is going to cut up EMS when they walk through the door”

I look at my partner Al, he looks at me and we both have the look on our faces that read “What the Hell did we do?”

Over the radio comes the next transmission

“18 Charlie, we’re 2 blocks away. Put us on the back of 18 Young”

“Manhattan to 18 Charlie that’s a 10-4. Use caution”.

Within a minute or two 18 Charlie pulls up and out comes Lil Willy, a small, heavy set Puerto Rican gentleman.

“Rocco”, he comes walking over to me, “you know this lady”

“I know this lady?” I reply quizzically trying to search my mind for a forgotten memory.

“Of course you do? He walks up to the door and bangs hard, “EMS” he yells. Without a moments pause comes the reply” EAT MY PUSSY! EAT MY PUSSY!” Delores swings open the door, see me and says “You motherfucker, you cut my phone lines!”

I don’t know what came over me, I don’t know what came over the rest of us but we rushed past her and entered her apartment and began to ransack it. We pulled out all her dresser drawers and dumped everything out. We overturned her refrigerator, we through mounds of crap in her toilet and flushed overflowing it. I went into her bedroom where her phone was. I tried to pull it out but the cord was caught in the television so I picked up the television with the phone attached and threw it through her back window into the basement. We then turned and left, leaving her behind in an apartment that looked like it was hit by a tornado. We proceeded back to our ambulances, not saying a word to each other, no laughing or joking. Nothing. I sat back behind the console:

“18 Young to Central”

“Manhattan to 18 Young” came the reply

“Manhattan put us an 18 Charlie available. Patient was not armed and refused transport to the hospital”

“10-4 Young. Get ready I have a confirmed shoot for you and PD is screaming for an ETA”

“10-4 Central. Send it over”. Off we go!

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Long Time DC Mayor Dead

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Former Washington DC Mayor Marion “Crack is Whack” Barry collapsed and died out side his home today at the surprising age of 78. You remember Mr. Barry, don’t you? He was the guy caught tooting on the crack pipe on police video in 1979 and spent 6 months in prison. Undaunted by conscience or sense of shame he again ran for office and landed a job on the City council back in 2005 to the joy of the City’s then large population of crack addicts.

Barry was remembered by his longtime friend Jack “The Smoker” Johnson as a man who loved his city, its people and some white little rocks that you can buy off many of the City’s street corners. “The worst part of it all”, explained Mr. Johnson was that Barry was just starting to turn his life around. “He was just starting to turn his life around. He went down to the local high school just the other day to pick up the application for the GED. He wanted to go back to school to be a Pharmacy Technician”. Drugs weren’t Barry’s only addiction, sadly. He’s survived by four wives.

Americans Up In Arms Over Giraffe Killing

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The decision by the Copenhagen  Zoo to put down a healthy giraffe to guard against the animal inbreeding  with relative giraffes has angered activists, animal lovers and,not surprisingly rural clodhoppers throughout the parts of the Southern United States. Rural residents from the Ozarks Mountains to the Appalachian trail are up in arms at what they see as not only a threat to their way of life but an insult on a grand scale.

Said Jess Gallup of Gatertown Mississippi ” I mean not only do them damn socialists go an’ kill a gee-raff for doing something that comes natural to any human. Not only that but them Obama lovers got to go feed him to the lions as an extra FU to people like me and my kin”.

Tea Party members led by Rep. Michele Bachman plan to protest the killing of the animal and what is seen as a veiled insult to hundreds and thousands of real Americans that live in the country’s hinterlands by leading a march on the Copenhagen Wine and Spirits Shoppe in Memphis, Tennessee. The owner of Copenhagen Wine and Spirits is dumbfounded by the Tea Party’s decision to picket his shop,  “The store is named after me, John Copenhagen. I got nothing to do with that country. Are these people nuts?”.  Stay tuned for further developments.

Republicans To Make Sure Hillary Wins In 2016

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I’m saying this objectively without a bit of partisanship that unless the Republican Party comes out with some superhuman contender for the throne they will not beat Hillary Clinton in 2016. Not with the current crop of hopefuls. Republican party is to splintered; it has radical elements that scare the crap out of a lot of people. There’s laughing stocks like Michele Bachmann who’s stupidity is compounded by willful ignorance, there is Ted Cruz who brings out a visceral dislike in pe…ople much the same as snakes do , there’s people like Rep.Michael Burgess (R-Tex) who defended his position on restricting abortion by explaining he watched fetuses as young as 15 weeks old performing purposeful movements in the womb, that is masturbating; there’s Todd Akins’ who tried to make the case that “legitimate rape does not produce pregnancy as the body shuts down”, in defending his position on restricting abortion. There’s the famous quote by Mitt Romney ” I’m not too concerned about the poor, there’s a safety net there”. There’s heralds like Ann Coulter who seeks to “perfect Jews” by making them all Christians. There’s the NC GOP official who, in an interview about a drive to have voters show ID, criticized “lazy black people that want the government to give them everything”. Republicans led the charge in killing the ratification of the “UN Convention on the Rights of People with Disabilities”. So lets see, piss off women (50.8% of the population), Blacks (13.1% of the population), the poor (15% of the population) and Jews (2.2 percent of the population), disabled (15% of the population) and you expect to win elections?   I’m sorry, this is not the Party of Reagan. So again barring some Dues ex machina, look for Hillary to take the reins of the White House in 2016, for better or worse

Fears Of Early Senility as Mariah Carey Found Walking Bare In The Snow

 

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Mariah Carey’s handlers are in a state of distress after the curvaceous song bird was found walking her dog through the Aspen, Colorado snow clad only in her underwear. Fortunately a passing motorist was able to get a blanket around her before he called 911. He kept her occupied while awaiting help by making hand shadows in the car’s headlights and imitating Donald Duck singing “You Light Up My Life”. Police arrived and escorted Ms. Carey back to her hotel room. Doctor’s called to the scene thoroughly examined Ms. Carey but could not come to a specific diagnosis but hinted that the songstress may be suffering the early onset of senility brought on by lack of worry and goalless existence. Further testing will take place in the near future.

“Throw Him Out The Window! We’ll Pick Him Up In The Basement”

I’m working 18 Boy, a basic life support unit working out of the Harlem EMS station. We get a call to remove a dead body from public view up in Washington Heights. We pull up to the address to find two Emergency Service cops waiting for us in front. The DOA is in the abandoned building next to the one we are standing in front of. The two ESU cops were there to direct us and assist us with the removal. Getting to the body is a real pain in the ass. First we have to climb 5 stories up the occupied building next door then climb over a partition where we find a nice big hole in the roof. From there I can look down and see the body curled in a fetal position next to a stove in a kitchen. We carefully walk the edge of the parapet and make our way down a shaky flight of stairs. We make our way over to the apartment and into the kitchen. There curled up in a ball is an Hispanic male, about 30 years old. Stiff and dead (but thankfully not rotting) he still has a hypothermic needle sticking out of his right arm. Right away he presents a problem. He’s stuck in a fetal position, like a ball. It would be much easier if he was straight, that way we could just slide him up and down the stairs. Then a thought comes. Bracing myself against the wall I put one foot on his chest and the other on his knees and begin to press. Slowly, snapping and crackling like a bowl of cereal he begins to straighten out. One of the cops looks green. My partner is gagging.

So now we have him straightened out, wrapped in a body bag and strapped to a scoop stretcher. We lift and begin to carry him out to the hallway. I’m not looking forward to carrying this guy up and over the roof and down 5 flights of stairs. In the hallway I come up with another idea. The hallway windows and the frames around them are broken open down to the floor. The building to this side is also abandoned. Nobody can see us. I turn to the cops:

“Hey! Why don’t we throw him out the window. We can pick him up in the basement. It will save us a lot of time and we won’t really have to bust our assess?”

One of the cops looks at me, eyes wide as dinner plates “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“No!”, I answer and start to drag the body to the window

The cops latch on to the other side of the scoop ” What the fuck is wrong with you?. You can’t throw him out the window!”

“Come on”, I plead with them “No one can see”. Here we are having a tug of war with the body in between us. Finally, both because I’m too tired to argue and the two cops have guns, I relent. Up we lift him, over the not so stable roof and into the occupied building next store. Once in there the cops relent a little and at least let me slide him down the stairs to the lobby. Whole job took two hours and left all of us covered in dirt, plaster and sweat. After that day I continued on as a medic for 15 years and am proud to say I never did another DOA removal again.